notion of the everyday
"When I consider your heavens,
the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
which you have set in place,
what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?
Psalms 8:3-4
Hello, let me introduce myself briefly.
I am greatly flawed, always looking to the future yet interested in the past.
Other than 'Su' i am also called by other apparently more 'affectionate' nicknames. Luckily as a Malaysian i am easy-going.
As a Fine Arts student in London i am forced
to be independent yet dependent,
to be sociable yet isolated,
to bullshit alot and
to do too many things i usually wouldn't. I also sincerely believe that no one i know thinks as much as i do.
I do agree with my parents though, despite this rather pessimist outlook, student life is fun.
searching for the perfect flâneur...
I take walks. Mostly by myself, and mostly by the Thames river.
However on rare occasions I do enjoy company during walks as i like talking, it can be better than thinking.
i love the way the city looks after the rain. The smell of fresh unpolluted Beijing air, mingled in with the scent of dew. City lights twinkle slightly as i whiz past in a yellow blue taxi across highways the wind sweeping in through half opened windows bringing with it the smell of what ifs and maybes. And suddenly i want to listen to slow jazz songs, a mood of melancholy hangs over, shrouding everything in mist, nothing is clear, reality is left behind and time pauses for a long moment.
So i leave my window open, and breathe in one of the rare unpolluted moments that Beijing hands over to me.
I am missing my guitar very very much. It's been almost two weeks since i have played guitar and i am having serious withdrawal symptoms. There's nothing to do in my room!
I will go out and buy one very very soon. I can't take it anymore!
and it's so silly that i can't even read my own blog post. Grrrr... to the censorship!
So i am in BEIJING! It's my 3rd night here and it's been pretty interesting so far. The first night was the chill-out, emo about home, whine about beijing, and gather my thoughts night. But after that... whew... things have been going going going. I can't say i am pleased with myself AT ALL with what i have been doing since then. I've met quite a few new people which is pretty awesome but i think partying every night might take it's toll very soon. Though i know myself, i should stop soon as once i get going in the party scene i can't seem to stop.
But i have to say it's fun in terms of just dancing and looking at all those ang mos trying to kau the china chinese girls, and the crazy pimpy things china people do.... it's really something else. And i have to admit that i quite like the bar hopping scene here. It's just so amazingly casual and chilled out. I love it! I basically wore the most casual dress EVER to the top fine dining restaurant in beijing and then went bar hopping and karaoking and i didn't feel out of place. And i wore a 3/4 sweater and jeans clubbing tonight at a super fancy best club in Beijing type club. How awesome is that. And i had just as much fun as i would have if i would have been all decked out in my usual clubbing outfit. I didn't even wear an ounce of makeup! I love casual, and so far, Beijing seems to be doing everything right in those terms.
Days are getting better. But i think it's going to take alot of Godly help to keep myself grounded and focused on God. I don't want to stray, but it seems easy here when all you ever do at night is to party, i need to remember to be a good testimony and remember to obey His word in everything i do. That's why i must go to church tomorrow no matter what. I need to find a Christian support group here in China, and somewhere to serve Him so that i will always remember who i am serving and what lies ahead after all disappears.
I have found the book of poems i studied in the beginning of sixth form - Touched with fire. I always took the things i studied in school for granted. But now i am so glad that some of what i learnt actually stuck with me through time. As i flip through a few of many favourite poems caught my eye and also i realised that my handwriting is actually quite neat! Which means that i actually acutely listened in class.
'Too late the rain came, and i saw my face Again on water, rippled by a breeze Or on calm days whole and staring deep
Where water-weed revived but wore a light Now literal and creatureless. In such a pond a child might drown'
The Pond by Michael Schmidt is one of the poems that i'd forgotten. And it's such a beautifully written one too about death and unpredictability and acceptance.
'In Brueghel's Icarus, for instance: how everything turns away Quite leisurely from the disaster; the ploughman may Have heard the splash, the forsaken cry'
And then an old favourite of mine that i've never forgotten is Musee des Beaux Arts by W.H Auden. It is just such a great poem on the busyness of life and what we can miss, such stunning the imagery it evokes by mirroring art against life. I can never tire of re-reading it. I can still remember being swept away when i finally stood in front of Brueghel's Icarus in the Musee de Beaux Arts in Brussels, overtaken by the fact that this this is what Auden writes about. The painting itself is a subtle nostalgia of life, tugging gently on heartstrings.
On another note, my mum has kindly bought John Piper's 'Don't waste your life' for me and i have begun to read it. I am already hooked on the first chapter and as i leave for penang tomorrow i will hopefully have the peace and quiet to sit down and do some serious reading and meditation on God's word.
This month i think i have outdone myself creatively. I have started and finished three songs, relaunched my website, did a couple of charcoal pieces, and painted close to 10 paintings already and the month isn't over yet. I need to finish up another 2 more large paintings and record my newest song and i shall be off to the land of Mao. It's going to be a busy week, as i need to finish the two paintings by next Wednesday because the Singaporeans are visiting... Well, i have faith in God that He will give me the concentration and strength and of course joy to finish all that i have to do before i embark on another new phase of life :)
"What I really don't want to do is end up always wondering what might have happened and knowing I could have done something." (AnnieReed/Meg Ryan, “Sleepless in Seattle”)
