Notion of the everyday

Sunday, January 31, 2010

i am home

and this time round..
i am miserable.

why?

I miss Beijing
i wish to go back so badly
yet at the same time
i don't.

Oh sadness overwhelms but it doesn't kill.

unfortunately.

Oh God, help me.

Posted at 05:27 pm by su-ey
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Friday, January 15, 2010

I'm still searching, but the picture's fading?

As i plan to leave Beijing, i realised i might miss this city more than i have let myself think past. I refuse to let nostalgia and regret in, because as sorrow starts to slowly drip in i feel as if i did the last 2 weeks in London. I don't want to leave. Not right now. I want everything to stay the same, for everyone to be the same and to let it continue on and on...

But the world moves too quickly, life will always be too short, and change is never-ending. Perhaps i will come back sooner than i think though, opportunities or other forms of persuasion to return might present themselves. But i don't dare to hope that far because hope in things like that can always disappoint.
I will leave Beijing though with a little bit of heart left behind, a change of mindset, basketful of experiences, a cupful more of compassion and a weary but not beaten soul.

Frozen lakes, Kaoya, takeaway menus, hard beds, 58 yuan massages, impromptu jamming sessions, Coldplay yellow, long bike rides, the gulous, nanluoguxiang, lost in the hutongs, stumbling upon heavy metal underground bar performances, the chase for a good jazz bar, those very very long subway rides from one end of the city to the other, that very very long xizhimen transfers, all the birthday buffets, vics stage dancing, that crazy bouncing dance floor at GT banana and those dancers, walks through the campus, C lou, early morning walks/bike rides to class, snow snow, snowball fights, frederick our snowman (RIP), korean bbqs, random concerts we attend just because, felicia's playhouse theater shows, inner mongolia, coffeebeantree-my hideout, SPR, feeding the 'neighbours', readings at Shangdi, BICF, Haagen daaz green tea, that amazing 50yuan facial, that tonkatsu place.. and i can't go on because i have accumulated so much memories in less than half a year and it's just been.. amazing.

A stress relieving chilly sunny Beijing day on the ice. This will be sorely missed.

I despise goodbyes, i despise ceremonies, i despise the expectation of goodbyes.

Posted at 05:27 pm by su-ey
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Friday, December 18, 2009

Hey me, do you remember...?

Back back to a time when it was all about ...

the beige trench coat,
the silver baubles,
the friends that would jump into any picture with strange faces,
the blue lights,
the dancing toys,
that pork crackle that was too much,
the attempts to jog in the early morning,
the smell of a new home,
the only wantan mee you would ever eat,
that late night sushi-okonomoyaki supper run in Osaka,
the you tiao,
the late night wanderings in Singapore because it's just too damn safe there,
those airport antics,
those 11 days in egypt,
that amazing off-the-beaten track rice gelato in Rome,
that sharkfin soup in family gatherings,
the crazy dancing during Chinese new year,
the colourful party hats,
the times when you walked London alone,
the thames shimmering a majestic blue grey in the evenings,
the macaroons in a harrods run just because,
the cartwheels in hyde park,
the chocolate writing in langham,
the many undeserved flowers,
the times you perfected a dish,
the monet, the vangogh, the national gallery,
the rothko room,
the strawberries and evian water while 'studying',
the lunches high up in the alps,
the cable ride alone,
those churros in Marseille,
that time when you cycled alone in Flam,
the father son sunglasses...

and all the many times you've smiled without pretense,
and all the other times you've wandered in peace,

Hey me, don't you remember?

Posted at 04:06 pm by su-ey
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Monday, December 14, 2009

We crash when we race

Oh, this is not the way that it should end
It's the way it should begin
It's the way it should begin again
No, I never wanna fall apart
Never wanna break your heart
Never wanna let you break my own
Yes, I know we said a lot of things
That we probably didn't mean
But it's not too late to take them back
So, before you say you're gonna go
I should probably let you know
That I never knew what I had
I never knew what I had

Posted at 01:16 pm by su-ey
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Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Now what?

i never want to feel like this ever again.

"Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones that you have broken rejoice...
Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from your presence,
and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and uphold me with a willing spirit."

Psalms 51 : 8-12

Posted at 03:31 pm by su-ey
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Saturday, December 05, 2009

and i've been walking off my worries

too many decisions to make,
everything becomes harder to understand,
difficulty in explanations,
looking for the end in something that never began.

write write,
i need to start writing again.

i don't know anymore.

Beijing's air and etc... is killing me.

Posted at 03:33 pm by su-ey
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Friday, September 25, 2009

3.31am

i love the way the city looks after the rain.
The smell of fresh unpolluted Beijing air, mingled in with the scent of dew.
City lights twinkle slightly as i whiz past in a yellow blue taxi across highways the wind sweeping in through half opened windows bringing with it the smell of what ifs and maybes.
And suddenly i want to listen to slow jazz songs, a mood of melancholy hangs over, shrouding everything in mist, nothing is clear, reality is left behind and time pauses for a long moment.

So i leave my window open, and breathe in one of the rare unpolluted moments that Beijing hands over to me.

I miss London. I miss the rain. I miss my walks.

Posted at 08:30 pm by su-ey
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