Hello, let me introduce myself briefly.
I am greatly flawed, always looking to the future yet interested in the past.
Other than 'Su' i am also called by other apparently more 'affectionate' nicknames. Luckily as a Malaysian i am easy-going.
As a Fine Arts student in London i am independent yet dependent, sociable yet isolated, i bullshit alot and do too many things i usually wouldn't.
I also sincerely believe that no one i know thinks as much as i do.
I do agree with my parents though, despite this rather pessimist outlook, student life iswas fun.
searching for the perfect flâneur...
I take walks. Mostly by myself, and mostly by the Thames river.
However on rare occasions I do enjoy company during walks as i like talking, it can be better than thinking.
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Wednesday, November 10, 2010
This blog is a bundle of depression.
It is no wonder every time one of my blogs sink into the darkest corners of the subconscious I cease to write there and begin a new one.
Though, when I write moping in the lowest level of human life, I write well.
There are so many things wrong in the world. Too many things that are dreadful, painful, and horrifying. And then there are so many things that are beautiful too, the morning sunrise, the sweet smell of air after rain, a baby's first giggle, a couple still holding hands after 50 years of marriage. The contrast is shocking, and hard to make head or tail of in our minds.
What do we do with two extremes?
How do we live in-between the deep dark moments of humanity and the brightest moments of life?
Last Sunday, the pastor declared to us 'God is shaking the world', based on Hebrews 12:25-29. He gestured at the increase in natural disasters taking place, the world's financial turmoil, the persecution of the church systematically, and the movement of conversions to Christianity in what was once closed, desolate areas of the earth.
I thought it was an amazing sermon, something that has stuck in my mind for the past two years. What is life when there are no career ladders to climb up? Take away the notion of career and most people will be left lost. Career brings a worldly goal to the table to chase after. Something you can actually see in your sights. But to believe in God for a goal of eternal life with someone who loves you and will love you wholeheartedly forevermore? Most people dismiss it for another day.
But look at the world, look at the scale it is tethering dangerously on. Are we so sure that we still have time to waste on it reaching secular goals?
What is life when your house is smashed into pieces by hurricanes? When your livelihood is torn apart by a volcano eruption? When your riches are swept away by a sudden turn in the market? When your loved ones are washed away in the waters of a tsunami?
What is life then?
We live in the safety net of secular culture, blinded by it and held in it's limbo. If the world were to end tomorrow and God calls you for judgment - What will you have to show? Will the riches you built up here on earth be there? What can you carry from this earth when you leave this world?
Nothing.
"Above all, you must understand that in the last days scoffers will come, scoffing and following their own evil desires. 4
They will say, “Where is this ‘coming’ he promised? Ever since our
ancestors died, everything goes on as it has since the beginning of
creation.” 5 But they
deliberately forget that long ago by God’s word the heavens came into
being and the earth was formed out of water and by water. 6 By these waters also the world of that time was deluged and destroyed. 7
By the same word the present heavens and earth are reserved for fire,
being kept for the day of judgment and destruction of the ungodly. 8
But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is
like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. 9
The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand
slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish,
but everyone to come to repentance. 10
But the day of the Lord will come like a thief. The heavens will
disappear with a roar; the elements will be destroyed by fire, and the
earth and everything done in it will be laid bare. 11 Since everything will be destroyed in this way, what kind of people ought you to be? You ought to live holy and godly lives 12 as you look forward to the day of God and speed its coming. That day will bring about the destruction of the heavens by fire, and the elements will melt in the heat. 13 But in keeping with his promise we are looking forward to a new heaven and a new earth, where righteousness dwells. 2 Peter 3:3-13
Posted at 12:49 pm by su-ey
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Sunday, January 31, 2010
and this time round..
i am miserable.
why?
I miss Beijing
i wish to go back so badly
yet at the same time
i don't.
Oh sadness overwhelms but it doesn't kill.
unfortunately.
Oh God, help me.
Posted at 05:27 pm by su-ey
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Friday, January 15, 2010
I'm still searching, but the picture's fading?
As i plan to leave Beijing, i realised i might miss this city more than i have let myself think past. I refuse to let nostalgia and regret in, because as sorrow starts to slowly drip in i feel as if i did the last 2 weeks in London. I don't want to leave. Not right now. I want everything to stay the same, for everyone to be the same and to let it continue on and on...
But the world moves too quickly, life will always be too short, and change is never-ending. Perhaps i will come back sooner than i think though, opportunities or other forms of persuasion to return might present themselves. But i don't dare to hope that far because hope in things like that can always disappoint.
I will leave Beijing though with a little bit of heart left behind, a change of mindset, basketful of experiences, a cupful more of compassion and a weary but not beaten soul.
Frozen lakes, Kaoya, takeaway menus, hard beds, 58 yuan massages, impromptu jamming sessions, Coldplay yellow, long bike rides, the gulous, nanluoguxiang, lost in the hutongs, stumbling upon heavy metal underground bar performances, the chase for a good jazz bar, those very very long subway rides from one end of the city to the other, that very very long xizhimen transfers, all the birthday buffets, vics stage dancing, that crazy bouncing dance floor at GT banana and those dancers, walks through the campus, C lou, early morning walks/bike rides to class, snow snow, snowball fights, frederick our snowman (RIP), korean bbqs, random concerts we attend just because, felicia's playhouse theater shows, inner mongolia, coffeebeantree-my hideout, SPR, feeding the 'neighbours', readings at Shangdi, BICF, Haagen daaz green tea, that amazing 50yuan facial, that tonkatsu place.. and i can't go on because i have accumulated so much memories in less than half a year and it's just been.. amazing.
 A stress relieving chilly sunny Beijing day on the ice. This will be sorely missed.
I despise goodbyes, i despise ceremonies, i despise the expectation of goodbyes.
Posted at 05:27 pm by su-ey
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Friday, December 18, 2009
Hey me, do you remember...?
Back back to a time when it was all about ...
the beige trench coat,
the silver baubles,
the friends that would jump into any picture with strange faces,
the blue lights,
the dancing toys,
that pork crackle that was too much,
the attempts to jog in the early morning,
the smell of a new home,
the only wantan mee you would ever eat,
that late night sushi-okonomoyaki supper run in Osaka,
the you tiao,
the late night wanderings in Singapore because it's just too damn safe there,
those airport antics,
those 11 days in egypt,
that amazing off-the-beaten track rice gelato in Rome,
that sharkfin soup in family gatherings,
the crazy dancing during Chinese new year,
the colourful party hats,
the times when you walked London alone,
the thames shimmering a majestic blue grey in the evenings,
the macaroons in a harrods run just because,
the cartwheels in hyde park,
the chocolate writing in langham,
the many undeserved flowers,
the times you perfected a dish,
the monet, the vangogh, the national gallery,
the rothko room,
the strawberries and evian water while 'studying',
the lunches high up in the alps,
the cable ride alone,
those churros in Marseille,
that time when you cycled alone in Flam,
the father son sunglasses...
and all the many times you've smiled without pretense,
and all the other times you've wandered in peace,
Hey me, don't you remember?
Posted at 04:06 pm by su-ey
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Monday, December 14, 2009
Oh, this is not the way that it should end
It's the way it should begin
It's the way it should begin again
No, I never wanna fall apart
Never wanna break your heart
Never wanna let you break my own
Yes, I know we said a lot of things
That we probably didn't mean
But it's not too late to take them back
So, before you say you're gonna go
I should probably let you know
That I never knew what I had
I never knew what I had
Posted at 01:16 pm by su-ey
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Wednesday, December 09, 2009
i never want to feel like this ever again.
"Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones that you have broken rejoice...
Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from your presence,
and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and uphold me with a willing spirit."
Psalms 51 : 8-12
Posted at 03:31 pm by su-ey
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Saturday, December 05, 2009
and i've been walking off my worries
too many decisions to make,
everything becomes harder to understand,
difficulty in explanations,
looking for the end in something that never began.
write write,
i need to start writing again.
i don't know anymore.
Beijing's air and etc... is killing me.
Posted at 03:33 pm by su-ey
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